I guess life really is all about sacrifices.

Everyone talks about new years resolutions this time of year.. I, for one, am not really a fan.

I am constantly on a resolution of dropping the last 20 pounds I wanna lose. I am always trying to teach myself to be a better person.

While I succeeded at the first resolution this year, I failed at the second. I screwed over a lot of people this year. I’ve used, lied to, and took for granted far too many people this year. A simple apology could never be enough for the people I’ve hurt most.

But most of all, I hurt myself. I sit here with the guilt associated with using, lying, and so on. I also sit here with no way to fix it. Not right away, anyways. Sure, there are things I can do to make it better for some. For others, maybe just simply not knowing the truth will do the trick. But then I’m caught in a lie of omission. How do you say, “Hey, sorry I haven’t talked to you lately, but I was just using you, and I no longer need you?” Or how do you tell someone he was pretty much right when he said I just didn’t want to be alone, something I denied for months. How do you tell someone that, now that he’s gone, you wish you could do everything over when you told him previously that you didn’t want him?

You can’t. I can’t. All I can hope for is that in this new year, no. The rest of my life, I can continuously work to be honest with people. I can work to say exactly what I mean, and only that. Hopefully, I can learn not to lash out at those who care.

If you’ve read this, and you’re still by my side, I thank you. If you read this, and I’ve already lost you, know that I’m sorry.

Also, “less dramatic” has made its way to the top of my list too.

The lighting on the street was incredible.

I havent touched these in photoshop yet, but i am very excited to do so.

I totally forgot about the bitchin’ banner I made for this the other day…

I drew this with an ink pen at work the other day in between calls (who am I kidding, during calls, too.).

I think the face on the fish is the best… And would you say the crab looks… crabby? oh ho ho.

I need sleep.

Ukulele Progress. Its pretty bitchin, if i do say so myself.

He’s so darling…

So, this isn’t so much an actual post, so much as a way to ease myself back into actually writing. I think a replacement notebook will be coming my way soon so I am able to start up all my projects I’ve given up on with the loss of convenience. Hehe.

Spring is also inspiring me to take more photos. We’ll see how that goes.
OH. AND MISSOULA M, YOU WILL BE … Climbed? Clumb? Oh who gives a shit. I’ll be at the top.. soon enough.

P.s. I am totally aware that Clumb is not a word…

just things.

I’m really tired of mood swings though. They don’t make life any easier.

But, since change has been a constant theme in my life, it is also know that i have control over changing simple things, such as re-arranging the furniture, or.. coloring my hair. =)

the orange-ish glow of my bathroom makes this look different than it really is. Our house is in no way optimal for taking pictures. But, a nice chocolate brown suits me quite well, I do believe.

Although, looking at this picture, i do realize that one of my eyes seems kind of lazy. Maybe its because i’m utterly exhausted from this 40 hours work week i just finished… =) woo!

Hard to believe that the baby attached to that hand is starting to grow up….

Lately, with all the pregnancies popping up around me, I feel the need to address what was mine. I haven’t talked about it much, but I truly feel the need to now, otherwise its all going to build up into an emotional waterfall that will break down the dam I built.

Silent Miscarriage- also known as a missed abortion or a missed miscarriage- is a miscarriage in which the body does not expel the various elements of a terminated pregnancy for a period of many weeks – despite the fact that the fetus has died. Because of this, women will often not be aware that a miscarriage has occurred. On the contrary, the miscarriage can actually give symptoms that are synonomous with pregnancy- like morning sickness, fatigue, so on. In some cases, or as with mine, a reduction of pregnancy symptoms can be cue. After reading into it some more, and talking with my doctor, it is very possible that I had miscarried right around the time i arrived here, unaware for another three or four weeks until I went to the clinic. It haunts me daily, knowing that I went so long without knowing. I had none of the obvious signs, until I recieved a hellacious “menstrual cycle” that wasn’t at all a menstrual cycle. And an infection, that thankfully was easily remedied by antibiotics and didn’t require a surgeon.

I can’t really continue talking about it, even though I do want to.

But,

If i believed in god, or something, any higher being, I’d have to say that baby was an angel, to bring me out here, where I belong, and where I needed to be.

Yes, I miss everyone in Illinois like crazy. I miss my father, my grandparents, my extended family. Truth is, I miss practically everyone I know. But, I’ve got such a wonderful family out here now, I couldn’t ask for more. With this job, I will be able to help send my sister out here for a while during the summer. I will be able to fly home when Maria has the twins. When I realize I am 1,781 miles away from home (according to google maps, thank you, google.), yes, I find myself sad. But, I never had planned to stay in Illinois.  My ideas were entirely too big for Carbondale or Herrin. It just wasn’t going to happen. I’m 2,000 miles away from my relatives in Texas, and 1,800 miles away from my dad. The numbers are scary, but then again, now I’m working my way into a job where I will be able to afford to fly out of Missoula and go visit everyone. That will be nice.

As for my job at gap, I am keeping it. Why not? A few hours a week, all my friends in Missoula are there. Plus, EMPLOYEE DISCOUNT? I never was much of a gap shopper before, but DAMN. I couldn’t go without it. Especially when I’m going to actually have the money to buy things… hehehe. Plus, it would be nice to have something to fall back on if in a few years I get tired of Direct TV and have a nice little savings going on in my bank account. I don’t plan on it, but still. The discount is entirely worth it. Hah.

On a different note, I haven’t written anything on my novel in a month. Over a month, actually. I plan to re-write it. I don’t like the direction I ended up taking it in, so, I never kept writing.

I also have another project in mind, as far as writing goes. I plan to write a “false memoir” type story. Basically, I want to take some of the key events of my life, add some others, use a fictional character and go with it. Some of the aspects of my life that I want to use are interesting, but my life is not entirely interesting enough to become a “book” just yet. I’ve still got years to build on my own story.

Oh, to be a cat
Sitting, gazing and content.

I do believe she was watching the birds outside the window.

I think I’m finally getting the hang of this skiing thing. =) wooo!