This blog, like many things in my life, has been neglected. I’ve stopped writing almost all together. I no longer paint. I picked up my crotchet hook the other day, started on a scarf, and it lays on my desk, untouched and unfinished, and I lack the motivation to keep going at this point. On the opposite side of that, this year, I have relearned the guitar and taught myself numerous things on the ukulele.
I guess life really is all about sacrifices.
Everyone talks about new years resolutions this time of year.. I, for one, am not really a fan.
I am constantly on a resolution of dropping the last 20 pounds I wanna lose. I am always trying to teach myself to be a better person.
While I succeeded at the first resolution this year, I failed at the second. I screwed over a lot of people this year. I’ve used, lied to, and took for granted far too many people this year. A simple apology could never be enough for the people I’ve hurt most.
But most of all, I hurt myself. I sit here with the guilt associated with using, lying, and so on. I also sit here with no way to fix it. Not right away, anyways. Sure, there are things I can do to make it better for some. For others, maybe just simply not knowing the truth will do the trick. But then I’m caught in a lie of omission. How do you say, “Hey, sorry I haven’t talked to you lately, but I was just using you, and I no longer need you?” Or how do you tell someone he was pretty much right when he said I just didn’t want to be alone, something I denied for months. How do you tell someone that, now that he’s gone, you wish you could do everything over when you told him previously that you didn’t want him?
You can’t. I can’t. All I can hope for is that in this new year, no. The rest of my life, I can continuously work to be honest with people. I can work to say exactly what I mean, and only that. Hopefully, I can learn not to lash out at those who care.
If you’ve read this, and you’re still by my side, I thank you. If you read this, and I’ve already lost you, know that I’m sorry.
Also, “less dramatic” has made its way to the top of my list too. 😉